Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream