Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

The most accurate map ever devised.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.