Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.