Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
HOW DARE YOU
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Awwwww shit.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly