Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

🤣dope

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?