Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.