[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.