Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
thanksgiving in nutshell
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
not for long
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial