Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’


How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?


[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara


[ikea date]

him: let‚Äôs go check out the beds ūüėČ

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?


Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.


Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it


Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”