Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

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– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people


Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me

You are a God!


No Microsoft, I don’t want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.


Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*


Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.


BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder


This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.


[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*


“Can I have a drink?”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.


Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.