I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.