@charliedelta7

Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

You Might Also Like

@TheClifBob

Doors
– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people

@1MeLrO

Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me

You are a God!

@bedroombazooka

No Microsoft, I don’t want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@TheKegKiller

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

@KalvinMacleod

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

@hellohappy_time

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

@squirrel74wkgn

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

@Sarcasmo718

Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.