@charliedelta7

Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

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@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@PinkCamoTO

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

@fro_vo

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

@girlnarly

[ikea date]

him: let‚Äôs go check out the beds ūüėČ

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

@tchrquotes

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

@thedad

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

@scorpicpanda

Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”