Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
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“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*