As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Dead sexy!!
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
(Gaming support cat.)
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
early stone age tool
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low