Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
12. I think about this all the damn time
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.