Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.