Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
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The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Thrilling chase underway
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka