Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel