“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer