Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

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It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you’ll become royalty and have a great life.


“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.


Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen

Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-

Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself

Friend: okay sorry go ahead

Me: 69 orders of french fries please


If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.


I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.


Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}


Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.


Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu


20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed


are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men