Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
don鈥檛 go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Google Pay be like:
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 馃槫馃構
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can鈥檛 have both.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Told my kids I鈥檓 gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.