Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

never compromise your values

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend