Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee