Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

handsome & gretel

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

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There is no “we” in pizza

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁