just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
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Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I have never related to anyone more.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.