Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.