just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.