Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud