Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Lmfao

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*