Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
In case you needed to hear it:
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
don’t we all
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
