Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*