Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
God has abandoned us.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?