Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
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Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
scared to check what name she chose
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”