Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
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In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday