Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.