Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Free him
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.