Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

I’m tired tomorrow.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.