Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
You Might Also Like
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Ain’t no way
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…