Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.