@Rich_McCarthy

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

- @Rich_McCarthy

You Might Also Like

@ThaJawn

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Someone is eating pineapple on pizza!
911: That’s-
Me: PUT THE PIZZA DOWN, KAREN! THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY!

@kateegrayy

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

@RoosterMustache

DATE: *gets in car*

ME: hi *starts driving*

DATE: how’s it going?

ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons

@TheAndrewNadeau

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

@CARRIONIER

To balance out Elon Musk sending a Tesla into space, I’m going to drive my ’93 Civic into the ocean.