Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
found this cool rock hiking today
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay