@Rich_McCarthy

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

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@kacisuewho

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

@KentWGraham

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

@Phook75

Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear

@longwall26

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

@bingowings14

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

@KalvinMacleod

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

@CatherineLMK

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

@GroovyTasia

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

@david8hughes

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho