Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree


My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.


Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear


One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?


[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?


Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice


Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.


You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese


Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho