Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
peak technology
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Cannot stop laughing at this
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
