Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
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To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.