Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
good morning
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
👽
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!