Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Same pineapple, same
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the