Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“what that mouth do?” complain
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.