Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?