Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
got so much cardio in today
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.