Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

This hospital has everything

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.