Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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No.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
When you have to use a public restroom.
man: wait
time: no
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.