Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.