Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.

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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks


The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.


Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.



“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds


I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.


Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!


Me: You’re clingy & adorable. Like a koala.

Her: I’m amazed you can spell koala.

Me: *deletes ‘how to spell coalla’ from browser history*


I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.


“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”


I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.