@GlennyRodge

Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.

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@SortaBad

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

@AnniemuMary

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

@JanelSantaCruz

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

@Chumpstring

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

@MichLKosinski

Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!

@gruffybeard

Me: You’re clingy & adorable. Like a koala.

Her: I’m amazed you can spell koala.

Me: *deletes ‘how to spell coalla’ from browser history*

@Darlainky

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

@withanewname

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

@JimmerThatisAll

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.