I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
For the orator and chef in all of us
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.