just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
You Might Also Like
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Thank you 🥹
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
6. me as a lawyer
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!