Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now