Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.