Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
You Might Also Like
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Birds & Planes.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
💀🤣
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?