Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them