Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
this is uni
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.