Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

😂😂

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”