Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it