Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….