Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
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4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?