Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
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[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
greetings!
Chemical wingman
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?