just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.