just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing