just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.