Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

so this horse walks into a bar

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.