Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
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“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
i made a craigslist ad !
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.