Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

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When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.


Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night

Me: hell yeah

Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?


Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”


I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.


Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.


“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.


Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.


The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.


Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.