Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”