Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8