Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

spot the difference

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.