Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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