Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I think about this a lot
BaD BoY!!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.